The Untouchables

In 1972 The Rolling Stones released their most ambitious record to date, a double LP called Exile on Main St. Describing the initial reaction to the Stones 10th album Keith Richards himself said "When it came out it didn't sell particularly well, and it was pretty much universally panned". A review in CREEM magazine said "The Rolling Stones should not be exiled on Main Street, they should be deported." While the Rolling Stone (American magazine not a fanzine) said "you can leave the album and still feel vaguely unsatisfied". Fast forward to 2010 and the album sits at number 1 in the UK and number 2 in the US charts, with every publication with any name recognition tripping over themselves to press their lips against the Stones collective wrinkled pelvises. NME 10 out of 10, Rolling Stone 5 out of 5, the difficult to please Pitchfork Media a perfect 10.0/10.0; even the review collection site Metacritic has Exile on Main Street on an average review score of 100/100.

Don't get me wrong I enjoy the Rolling Stones but this is just another example of the tradition of having sacred "untouchable" artists no one is permitted to slag off. The Untouchables are the musical equivalents of someone else's baby, surely the monsters of music should be criticised for their faults with similar vigour to how they are lauded for their quality.

The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Queen, the Rolling Stones, Michael Jackson, Davis Bowie, James Brown, Pink Floyd, Stevie Wonder, Frank Sinatra and Elvis Presley. Utter a single bad word about any of these artists (or many others) and you will be met with derision and often aggression. I couldn't figure out why these bands and singers were untouchable yet artists like Elton John, Celine Dion, The Bee gees and Madonna who all have sales figures over 200 million are ridiculed and dismissed as cheesy dross.

After much number crunching and talks with Professor Stephen Hawking and Carol Vorderman we came to an agreement and developed a mathematical formula to become artistically untouchable.

Coolness x Number of years since first release + rock n roll (attitude or music) = Untouchability

Death is also a variable that can be added, no one wants to slag of a corpses life work.
Let's see some examples:

The Rolling Stones - very cool x very old + very rock and roll = untouchable.
Frank Sinatra - very cool x very old + not very rock and or roll (+death) = untouchable
Queen - not that cool x kinda old + super rocking and rolling (+ high profile death) = untouchable
Madonna - not cool x not that old + not rock and roll = fair game

The main problem with holding up these bands in such high regard is that people lose common sense when it comes to discussions on them. They confuse a difference in taste to a case of disrespect. I don't especially like The Beatles but I have a great deal of respect for their achievements, album sales and the variety of their musical output. The other problem I have is what will happen to the artists of today. If Lady Gaga dies will the society of fifty years in the future mention her in the same breath as Elvis and Pink Floyd? If that thought doesn't scare you into attacking a musical juggernaut nothing will.